Eric again,always

Returning students today.And escape of sorts.
Seems it's expected of me to absolutely hate it.
You know show that curmudgeonly valor. Old Sod stuff. Scrooge and a favorite cult mixed up in a shitty old great coat.
Truth to tell I really was overwhelmed.
My emotions.
Really missed some. Needed to give and get sloppy hugs. Nope. Can't.
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Not having committed to a family.The kids,the wife, the mortgage "working towards the future"shit- seeing them shows me where, with a tip in my direction I could have been expecting to come "home" to family, love today. NO. Never a possibility. I always leave-emotionally then physically.Why do I joke about this?
Christ I hate the fact- AFTER the fact that I cried some driving back.It's the same litany of loneliness, self loathing that I couldn't keep a love in my life again. Of course.That always seems to be there lately. .
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Thinking about you Eric- so very much now. You expect, at least I did, the pain and anger to ease up after so long.
Its just gotten heavier.
I wish to God I had been able to do something. Something.

I could have helped you.It's my job.A gift. You came to me to find understanding and care.
I could have saved you.Got you to experts.
I failed you Eric. I really did.
Seeing you today would have been so very wonderful.
Should have hugged you today